Mmmmm boy! Turkey day! My favorite part is when everybody gathers around the ravaged turkey carcass like vultures around a wildebeest on the African savanna and sings those old favorite Thanksgiving carols, like this one:


or this one:


and of course, who can forget this classic?



Ummm...OK. So, why aren't there Thanksgiving carols, anyway? Couldn't the Pilgrims sing?

I finally know what's wrong with me! This guy from Harvard figured it out, so it must be right, right?

I have MDD!

You want proof? I had this article open in a tab in my browser for at least a couple of weeks before I got around to posting it. And that's quick for me! But it's not my fault. Really. It's the MDD....

=snort=

Visit the Mutts Comics website ... Yesh!

Hooray! It's time for the winner of the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest to take his place among the other luminaries of bad writing. Please welcome the 2006 winner:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Jim Guigli
Carmichael, CA

For the runners-up, go to The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest web site, which looks exactly like a web site designed by English majors should. =grin=

In a perfect world, stuff like this would happen. =sigh=

Everybody knows Mensa expects its speakers to work "pro bono"!

Does anyone remember this besides me? Or is this just a measure of how freakin' long I've been online? =sigh=

I always liked mine with kittens and eyeballs. Mmmmm! Tasty!

OK. So I'm contributing to the delinquency of America's youth. I yanked one of the cashiers off his register tonight and together we tried the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment. Two liters of Diet Coke with a hole punched in the cap using a handy Swiss Army knife and five (5) sugar-free (don't know if that makes a difference or not) Mentos threaded on a hook made from a paper clip.

Yawn.

It didn't look anything like any of the videos. Not even a quarter of the bottle geysered out. We were both pretty underwhelmed. But it was still sort of fun.

Especially since we technically got paid to do it! (snicker)

p.s. Yes I wasted my money on paid for the Diet Coke and Mentos.

Credit: Bill Cosby, back when he was funny ....

God: (standing on a chair behind Noah, he rings a bell once) NOAH.
Noah: (Looks up) Is someone calling me? (Shrugs and goes back to his work)
God: (Ding) NOAH!!
Noah: Who is that?
God: It's the Lord, Noah.
Noah: Right ... Where are ya? What do ya want? I've been good.
God: I want you to build an ark.
Noah: Right ... What's an ark?
God: Get some wood and build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Noah: Right ... What's a cubit?
God: Well never mind. Don't worry about that right now. After you build the ark, I want you to go out into the world and collect all the animals of the world, two by two, male and female, and put them into the ark.
Noah: Right ... Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?
God: I'm going to destroy the world.
Noah: Right ... Am I on Candid Camera? How are you gonna do it?
God: I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days and drown them right out.
Noah: Right ... Listen, do this and you'll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights and wait for the sewers to back up.
God: Right...
Narrator: So Noah began to build the ark. Of course his neighbors were not too happy about it. Can you imagine leaving for the office at 7 AM and seeing an ark?
Neighbor: (enters whistling, with brief case) Hey! You over there.
Noah: What do you want?
Neighbor: What is this thing?
Noah: It's an ark.
Neighbor: Uh huh, well you want to get it out of my driveway? I've gotta get to work. Hey listen, what's this thing for anyway?
Noah: I can't tell you, ha ha ha.
Neighbor: Can't you even give me a little hint?
Noah: You want a hint?
Neighbor: Yes, please.
Noah: Well, how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Neighbor: There's one in every neighborhood. (Shakes head and leaves)
Narrator: Well Noah finally got the ark built. Then he had the task of gathering all the animals two by two.
Noah: Hey, anybody know how to tell the difference between a male and a female mosquito? (Looking in a box) I told you rabbits before, only two! (He puts box in boat) Whew, finally the last two animals are on board. Let's get this thing closed up before God asks me to do something else. I'm six hundred years old. I am getting too old for this sort of thing.
God: Noah!
Noah: I knew it. What do you want now?
God: You're going to have to take one of those hippos off and get another one.
Noah: Why?
God: 'Cause you got two males. You need a female.
Noah: I'm too tired to bring anything else on board. You change one of them.
God: Come on, you know I don't work like that.
Noah: But I'm sick and tired of this. I've been working all day everyday like crazy for months now, dawn to dusk. I'm tired of this.
God: Noah!
Noah: Yeah?
God: How long can you tread water? Ha ha ha.
Noah: Yeah, well I got news for you. You keep talking about this flood and I haven't seen a drop of rain. Meanwhile, the whole neighborhood is making fun of me. I told one of my friends I'd been talking to the Lord and he laughed so hard he wet his pants. Do you know I'm the only guy in town with an ark in his yard? People are picketing and calling the heath department, strangers walk up to me and say "How's it going, Tarzan?" I am sick and tired of all of this, you let me get a pregnant elephant . . . Do you give me an instruction book? . . . No!!! Here I am standing under the elephant and brrrrrrrrump! Right on top of me! I'm telling you, I've had enough. You're supposed to see all and know all, well have you seen the bottom of that ark? Who's going to clean up that mess? Not me, I tell you. I quit. I'm tired of this. I'm going to let the animals out and burn that ark down. I can't believe you made me do all this . . .
(God takes a watering can and begins to pour water on Noah's head)
Noah: (continues) I can't believe the mess you got me in and . . . and . . . it's raining . . . This isn't just a shower is it? OK. All right, it's me and you Lord, me and you all the way. I'm with you Lord. Whatever you say....

If you're happy and you know it ... (audio link)

He never appears on camera, but this dad is my hero! (video link -- NQSFW)

Uhhhh...I'm speechless. File under "What The Hell Were They Thinking?"

New! From Hasbro — The Oozinator!

Why didn't they just skip all the innuendo and call it the Bukakkinator, huh?

I found a Jack Chick tract at work yesterday! (Who's Jack Chick?) Man, I haven't seen one of those in years ... thankfully. This one was the classic "This Was Your Life".

Personally, I like this version better.

Even back when I was really trying to be a fundamentalist Christian, I thought Jack Chick was an idiot. Now that I've been un-born-again (re-dead? Hey! Does that make me a zombie in Christ? Wooo!) as a UU-Secular-Humanist-Commie-Pinko-Fag-Lover, I think he's a scary maniac. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for real Divine Justice.

p.s. Yes, I took the tract away. You think I'm gonna leave that kind of soul-destroying-mind-porn around where little kids can see it?

What a GREAT hack! ROFLMAO! (from Yahoo! News by Reuters) What I really love was that the hacked ad stayed up for several days before they took it down. Down here in the United States of Litigation, the message would have been gone instantly, the National Guard would have been called out (well, the ones that haven't been shipped off, anyway) and we would have gone to Terror Alert Raw Umber.

PM 'eats babies' sign flashed at commuters

By Stefanie Kranjec
Tue May 2, 4:03 PM ET

A mocking announcement about Canada's prime minister, "Stephen Harper Eats Babies," was flashed on electronic advertising signs on Toronto area commuter trains for several days, and technicians were still scrambling on Tuesday to get the signs fixed.

"Stephen Harper Eats Babies. Stephen Harper Eats Babies. Stephen Harper Eats Babies," started to appear every three seconds across some LED screens late last week. The signs usually carry transit updates and advertising spots.

"It appears that this was a case of electronic vandalism," said Stephanie Sorensen, corporate communications and media specialist for the GO Transit commuter system. "We assume it was a hacker. We haven't identified the person who did this but we're working closely with the contractor who runs the signs to fix the problem."

Screens on GO Trains have been shut down since Monday. Sorensen said she expects they will remain off line for a few more days until password-protected technology is installed to protect them from computer hackers.

"We regret that it happened and we're sorry if anybody was offended, including the prime minister," Sorensen said.

GO Transit carries 47 million passengers every year on its network of buses and trains in the Toronto region.

From Techdirt, April 28, 2006:

It was reported last week that Motorola had received a patent for a system that would use electrical shocks instead of vibrations when a cell phone rang, and they've gotten a couple more slightly bizarre patents this week. The first is for a phone whose vibration can be used for "therapeutic stimulation", while the second is for a phone that can measure the chi levels for Feng Shui, using GPS, ambient noise levels and image-recognition.The phone would also include a dedicated sensor to give compass readings, to determine which way the main wall of a building or room faces. Somehow, when people talk about phones that will one day "do everything," it's doubtful this is what they had in mind.

"Therapeutic stimulation" ... riiiiight.

Yoinked from the Energy Fiend website:

ThinkGeek has a caffeine inhaler. It’s an asthma-like inhaler that delivers 150mg of caffeine in each dose —with 2 cartridges containing 100 doses each. That’s just AWESOME…
...too bad it's not real! Click on "Add to Cart" ...

Also, check out Death by Penguin Mints!

"Yes, I did drink an extra cup of coffee this morning. Why do you ask?" (boing, boing, boing ...)

Words fail me....

Patent for fart-powered missile launcher

p.s. I found out about this on =drum roll= NPR! Who said public radio types don't know how to have fun?

I heard this on Traditions tonight. I've heard it before, but I never took the time to look up the words before. Maybe I should make this one my theme song ... nah. Wouldn't work...

I've never killed a man. =grin=

I WAS RIGHT, I WAS WRONG

When first I saw Portland I questioned my eyes
I was awed by the lights and a-mazed at the size,
Then a feeling of dread dropped out of the blue,
As it often does when I see something new;
I was quite overcome with suspicion and fear,
So I stopped at a pub and I asked for a beer,
I must have been mad to go in there alone,
I was up to no good and I should have gone home.

Chorus:
I was right, I was wrong all a-long,
I was right, I was wrong all a-long;
I was wrong all a-long, and I knew I was wrong,
I was right, I was wrong all a-long.

The back room was full of cigar smoking gents,
And against my best judgment it's back there I went;
They offered me whiskey which I never touch,
And I frequently told them "Don't pour me too much."
It was not what I wanted and not what I planned,
But the next thing you know, there were cards in my hand;
And like many a time, though I 've often resolved
To never play cards when there's money involved...

(Chorus)

Well, first I lost silver and then I lost gold,
And then I lost consciousness so I was told;
And when I awoke things had gone quite amiss,
I always had known it would end up like this;
There was blood and a body and bottles galore,
Lying right next to me there on the floor;
I said, "Constable, please, I'm an innocent man!"
As he pulled the revolver from out of me hand...

(Chorus)

The judge banged his gavel and asked, "What's your plea?"
I said, "Someone killed him but surely not me."
There was no way in hell, I was out like a light,
Though I talk in my sleep, I doubt I could fight;
The jurors left the court room at the drop of a hat,
They returned with their verdict in ten minutes flat;
I was sentenced to hang by this jury of peers,
And so I've been dead for a good hundred years...

(Chorus)

Will virtue bear fruit? You can never be sure,
Even if watered and plied with manure;
You've no hope to harvest the things that you plant,
But keep right on trying, and prove that you can't;
It's a minimal effort you need to exert,
Knowing that soon you'll be covered in dirt;
Be certain of failure and lose every fight,
And some day like me you'll be proud you was right...

(Chorus)

Google Romance Beta: Pretty cute, but not up there with PigeonRank!

Here there be dragons: It's in The Economist, so it must be true, right?

The iBod: It's on NPR featuring Scott Simon, so it must be true, right? (Audio available after 1:00pm)

OMG! Unicorn T-Shirts! NSFW! (Although this is not REALLY an AFJ, as you can really get a shirt from CafePress)

Oh, and /. is PINK!

EDIT: Hooray for frank! He saved LJ!

Couldn't this be considered stalking?

Keeping Ken — The Man Behind The Doll

Heard during the news bulletin at 11:00 pm: "The Congress is considering legislation that would make it illegal to ... uh ... immigrate into the ... uh ... US illegally."

Wow! What a great idea! Make it illegal to do stuff that's illegal!

=snicker=

Too bad the real legislation isn't that funny.