Every 18 minutes someone in the US dies of suicide.

Every 19 minutes someone is left to make sense of it.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
National Suicide Prevention Hotline -- 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
The Bridge -- Official Movie Website

War on Drugs
 Steven Page

She likes to sleep with the radio on
So she can dream of her favorite song
The one that no one has ever sung since she was small

She'll never know that she made it up
She had a soul and we ate it up
Thrown away like a paper cup
The music falls

The only flaw in her detailed plan
Is where she wins back the love of her man
Everyone knows that he's never coming back

He took her heart and she took his name
He couldn't stand taking all the blame
He left her only with guilt and shame and then she cracked

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

In the dream I refuse to have
She falls asleep in a lukewarm bath
We're left to deal with the aftermath again

On behalf of humanity
I will fight for your sanity
How profound such profanity can be

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Near where I live there's a viaduct
Where people jump when they're out of luck
Raining down on the cars and trucks below

They've put a net there to catch their fall
Like it'll stop anyone at all
What they don't know is when nature calls, you go

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?

From the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company

Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Hard to admit I fought the war on drugs
My hands were tied and the phone was bugged
Another died and the world just shrugged it off

Happy 24th Anniversary Connie J. Fox.

I miss you.

"I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We nearly came near
It never was there
I think it was here."

Finale
From the Broadway musical, Pippin

Love,
K

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.

Emily Dickinson
1830 - 1886

\

Pippin is a stage musical by Stephen Sondheim. It holds a special place in my heart because it was the first show that my first wife, Connie, worked on when she was in college. Connie was a theater major at DePauw University in beautiful Greencastle, IN. She wasn't in the play; she wanted to be a "techie", specifically a costume designer. Since this was her first play at the college, she didn't do much work on the costumes for it, but she did get pretty good with power tools while she was helping build the set. She did design and sew part of the costume for one of the "chorus" characters — a skirt made entirely out of men's ties! (It looked really good, too!)

Pippin is the fictionalized story of ... well ... Pippin, son of Charlemagne. Pippin really isn't quite the type of young man to follow in his father's footsteps, although he does try; first killing him and then apologizing to and bringing Charlemagne's dead body back to life when the job of Holy Roman Emperor proves to be too much for Pippin. I'm not going to try to summarize the whole play here. If you're interested, Wikipedia has a much better summary available.

What I'm interested in here is the ending of the play. Pippin has met up with a cast of theater players, who are trying to convince him that he would find happiness by becoming one with the sun, as is explained in this excerpt from Wikipedia:

All alone on a stage, Pippin is surrounded by the Leading Player and the various troupe members. They all suggest that Pippin complete the most perfect act ever--the Finale. They tell Pippin to jump into a box of fire, light himself up, and "become one with the flame." Pippin is reluctant, but agrees that perhaps suicide is the best way to go, but he is stopped by one actress from the troupe--the woman playing Catherine. Catherine and her son stand by Pippin and defy the script, the Leading Player, and Fastrada. The Leading Player gets furious and calls off the show, telling the rest of the troupe to pack up and leave Pippin, Catherine, and her son alone forever, trapped on an empty and dark stage. Pippin realizes that he has given up his extraordinary purpose for the simplest and most ordinary life of all, and is finally a happy man.

Twelve years ago today, Connie J. Fox accepted the choice that Pippin rejected and took her own life. I still miss her and I hope that her choice brought her peace at last.

Twenty four years ago, on a spring night, I played this song from Pippin when I asked her to marry me.

( Love Song from Pippin )

More reference stuff for The Overnight. No, I haven't registered for it yet. But I will be registered by Feb 26th — 12 years ... it doesn't seem that long.

• Marathons, Half-Marathons, Ultramarathons, Long Distance Walking

Walking topic at About.com. Endurance walkers can learn how to train for, select, and walk a marathon, half-marathon, ultramarathon or long distance walk.


• Map your Walk with Map My Run

A Web 2.0 app that uses Google Maps to automatically calculate walking speed, pace, distance, etc. Lets you upload waypoints from GPS unit (which would be cool, if I had a GPS! :-P)


• American Volkssport Association

Not long distance walking related, but the only real walking group in the US, it seems. The UK has The Long Distance Walkers Association. Too bad.

Damn, I'm tired. For some bizarre reason, they only scheduled three people to be on checkout tonight. One of those was a girl who could only work until 9pm because of her age. Another was a young guy who was "sick" tonight.

Guess who that left "minding the store".

So from 6:30 to 9:00 pm, it was just me and this girl on checkout. After 9pm, it was just me. Thank god for self-checkout lanes!

Our security guard went home without telling anyone, so no one locked the door on time (10pm). The store is doing a big inventory sometime next week, so the asst. mgr. on duty was trying to work on getting ready for that, but he had to keep putting out fires (rhetorical ones, fortunately). I ended up chasing out some guy that wandered in about 10:15pm (15 minutes after closing). Half the lights in the store were out. I guess he thought we were trying to save money, or something. Maybe he thought he was going blind and he should hurry up and do his shopping while he could still see!

Bleah!

A couple of nice things happened before I went to work, though. I got my first paycheck from this job (yay!!!) and this morning, sunnydale47 drove me downtown (since I don't currently have a working car) to get a bank account. So, that makes me feel a little bit more human again.

Also, right before I left, I got a card in the mail from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It's a very simple little card. The front has a blue background with the life preserver logo of the AFSP in white. Inside are the words "Our thoughts are with you on the anniversary of your loss".

They're a little early. Connie didn't die until the 26th.

However, my Grandpa, Rev. Forrest R. Stickler, did die 12 years ago today.

An interesting coincidence that their card came today. I'm not even a member of AFSP. Not yet, anyway. That's something I want to do once I get have a little extra money. But I have to register for the 2006 Overnight (aka Out of the Darkness) first.

I'm putting this here in case I need it for Out Of The Darkness purposes. It's a graphic, yet poetic description of a suicide in Iraq. Keep that in mind when clicking the link.

( Eulogy )

... but the future is whatever you want it to be."

To anyone from UUCC who happens to be reading this entry:

If you've been around the congregation long enough, you know that 3½ years ago I presented a service called “Out of the Darkness" which covered a mental health issue very important to me – suicide prevention. My first wife, Connie, completed suicide on February 26, 1994 at the age of 34. To help prevent even one more suicide, I participated in a 26 mile walk through the night of August 17-18 2002, for which -- thanks in part to your generosity -- I raised over $1,400 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Today, I'm even more happy than ever that I did that walk, for one very simple reason.

Last week, I said I was going to commit suicide and came very close to making the attempt. Without the support of people, two in particular, whom I have hurt very badly and had no right to expect help from, I would not be here today.

I had planned to try to check myself into an inpatient mental health facility today -- but because of a last minute intervention, I am no longer having suicidal thoughts. And because of the wonderful mental health care system in this country (which is even worse than the physical health care system), it's very doubtful that I would even be admitted as an inpatient since I am no longer actively suicidal -- especially since I have no insurance because I'm still without a job. (Not that I'd necessarily have any insurance even if I were working. A wise member of this congregation once said that “Any country without universal health care is a third world country.” I agree completely.)

However, being suicidal was not the only thing I needed to write about here.

For the last several years – I've lost count of the exact number – I have been addicted to prescription painkillers and amphetamines. I've lied repeatedly to obtain them, spent ungodly amounts of money on them, and done other things that by all rights I should have been put in jail for – and still may be.

If this were my story only, I would go into more detail here. But it's not. Neither addiction nor mental illness affects only one person. Both are wide-ranging phenomena, destroying lives and relationships spiraling out from the abuser or the ill person.

I'm referring to addiction and mental illness together here, but our society does not view them the same way at all. Mental illness is finally being viewed as just as much an illness as cancer or diabetes, just affecting a different organ – the brain. Addiction is still viewed pretty much as a crime. I'm not in a position to make any broad-ranging statements about this dichotomy regarding society in general. I can only say that in my case, I believe the two are completely inseparable.

Currently, I've been off all prescription medication for the last two weeks. I won't go into all the unpleasant details, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the withdrawal symptoms from Tramadol and Concerta – intense body aches in my arms and legs, chills and sweats, diarrhea and cramps, severe sleep disruptions – are starting to subside.

So, why would I admit all this to 300-400 of my closest friends – the entire UUCC congregation – not to mention anyone else in the whole world who happens to surf by? Because I have something to prove. Not to the world at large, not to the congregation, nor to even just to myself. I have two very important people that I have to prove that it's for real this time. I've managed to destroy most of one relationship completely. I need to repair it as much as I can. The second relationship is much more important to me right now. I'm hoping that by this time next year, I can say that at least some trust will be beginning to regrow.

So, if you run into me anytime soon, please ask me about how I'm doing. And there's no need to be subtle - ask me if I'm still clean.

Above all, there's no need to pretend that nothing's wrong. Because that's not true and I'm done with all the lies.

Thanks!
Ken
14 days old & counting!

p.s. I was not able to attend the 2005 Out of the Darkness Overnight walk, mainly because I was not clean and sober. I plan to register for the 2006 Overnight walk which takes place in Chicago on August 12-13. (I started to register, but I'll need to wait until I'm employed again since I don't have enough money to even come close to being able to afford the registration fee. I'll post again here once I'm registered.) I would love go as part of Team UUCC rather than by myself. If you're interested, please let me know either by leaving a comment here or emailing me privately at ken.board@gmail.com. Three years ago I walked 26 miles. This one's only 20 miles. Piece of cake! ;-)